Only when I realize how so very fortunate I am, do I remember, for a while, how to cherish.

5 Nov 2013

Only when I realize how so very fortunate I am, do I remember, for a while, how to cherish.

As I suddenly see faces I haven’t seen in a long while at the Hall area, and some tell me they are 14 pointers who come here to squad and not that they gotten a hall, I suddenly realize how damn fortunate I was and am. I was a 14 pointer for twice in a row, and yet have gotten Hall twice way earlier than this messed up timing.

Hall 1 is my favourite hall. Being able to stay here for 3 years is a faraway dream, impossible to grasp, for common people. Indeed, while I was complaining about how sian I was to have to travel home for 4 weeks, and getting hall 7, and how my finger broke and I couldn’t enjoy my uninterrupted stay in Hall 1, I failed to realize how fucking lucky I was. And by lucky, I meant sheer luck in the way events were laid out for me.

My first return was to Hall 7 and then back to Hall 1. I grumbled about it. But think again. The Hall 7 was a blessing in disguise. Hall 7 was a detour to Hall 1 which allowed me to get Hall 1 by September with only 14 points. I would otherwise have to wait till November or December!

My 2nd return, was granted by Daryl’s nomination of me into CAC’s rec list, which was partly due to his connections that I was given guaranteed Hall stay for the next year, without even having to move out.

I complain about how my finger incident made me not able to leverage on this opportunity. But think again. IF I hadn’t had the uninterrupted stay, I would need to spend some tough time moving my stuff out, with one hand. I would not have the peace of my Hall to buffer my Stochastic and Optimization and Regression. With my Hand useless, and my environment unsuitable for keeping calm, this semester would be fucking ruined. FUCKING RUINED. UNDERSTAND? The REC back was there to save me from my brokenness. It was not ‘wasted’ because of my finger. It was ‘MEANT’ for my finger.

Now if I didn’t get my Hall so early for both years, I wouldn’t be able to handle October’s and November’s Wushu and Piano, and having to travel home. Really, having a Hall meant that I could practice my Piano everyday. It meant that I could turn up for Wushu trainings, and still had time to study.

Imagine if I was like my classmates, have to go home every single day.

Constant dilemma between coming to school and watching the recording. Come to school waste so much time. Watch lecture is pure negative reinforcement. Coming to lecture, I look forward to seeing some ppl, that’s why I am motivated to continue listening. I would not have this if not for Hall.

I always am so proud of the fact that nobody in NTU can be like me. Studies excellent, Join so many CCAs, Stay in Hall 1 for 3 years. If I am not me, the person I most want to be when I first come to University is me. Nobody else can have it better than me. Really.

I look back at Traceable ‘costs’ and realize the subtle intangible fact which if didn’t happen, my life will be 10000 yards below what I have now. And that is Hall 7 and CAC Rec. If God was real, I would say, God had it all planned for me, and without me consciously trying to get it, I am given what I would come to realize is the saving grace to my success.

As I think about it, I wonder, why given that I have all the advantage that others have not, I still feel that I am not as happy, as achieved, as fulfilled as those people like Annabel Yeo in HY9002 who I sometimes would rather I was her.

Then I come to the depressing fact that, my life from 18 Years Old and before, was lived for nothing. What was ppl who I wished I was doing then? They joined CCAs, they went to good schools, they were mugging with mugging friends, they had healthy social circles. What did I have then? All of the above, I had not. I had nothing. I didn’t work hard. I had not the resources to work hard on anyways. I was constantly blaming my circumstances, complaining and not doing anything about it. I made blind choices: Thinking that academia is everything, I strived to win in the Sciences and rote learning. I did not develop the other skill of socializing and hobbies, which I thought was a waste of time. Little did I know, hobbies and skills were what would last and not arbitrary knowledge.

Now in Uni, Maths, Economics, Logic, Accounting, Psychology, are SKILLS. Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Engineering, all these are just KNOWLEDGE. Only now then I realize how important hobbies were.

What did I have when I was 18 years old? Skills: Cycling, Basketball, Badminton, Dota, Parkour, Kicking, Changquan, Chemistry, Maths. Which of these are everlasting till today? Parkour, Kicking, Changquan, Maths. I spent 18 years investing in lots of useless stuff. Look at Annabel. She just came out of JC, just like me, and she seems to be well-adjusted, emotionally stable, happy, definitely opposite of how I was then. So that’s the reason why I felt so envious of her!

So when I came out of my pitiful hole, when I finally graduated from JC, with my hopes all gone because I failed at the very thing (Academics) I believed in, I decided it is time for a change. And from 19 years old, I took my first steps to bring myself out of misery. 2 years in NS, 2 years in Uni. These 4 years, were tough but filled with stubborn resolution that I want to be who I can really be. And today, I sit here writing this, to remind myself how far I have come in a short span of 4 years. Yes, there are ppl out there who started way early and of course they seem better off than me. But you achieved what nobody can in 4 years. It’s because you knew how it was to be low down in the abyss, feeling all the hopelessness, that you know how to cherish what you have now. Those ppl who are better off, they don’t know how painful hopelessness feels like. You know, and that’s why you can keep moving on, even though ppl around you have already given up.